A preacher said to a farmer, “Do you belong to the Christian family?” 
“No” said the farmer, “I think they live two farms down.” 
“No, I mean are you lost?” 
“No, I’ve been here thirty years.” 
“I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?” 
“When is it?” 
“Could be today or tomorrow.” 
“Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days.”

A pastor put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at the church and after two weeks, took them out. When asked why, he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, “For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”